Relationships are the center of human experience. In the nexus of each relationship, we orbit as if we are reinventing our identity as we navigate through the most complex yet exhilarating experiences in our lives.
Imagine yourself living in a universe where the only emotion you have is a monotonous “yays”, that constant dullness of life without conflict, spat or pet peeves.
We often hear that peace isn’t about having that calmness in the external plane but in the midst of chaos, you are secure that you reign over your emotions. Emotions are truly complex, biologically speaking we have underlying emotional traumas that often create tiny ripples of impact in our lives. Over the years, these traumas become internal bonds that affect our principles in life. Trauma bonds may motivate us to pursue our happiness, but most of the time, it creates internal chaos and discord with our relationships. It can make or break who we are in our core, and even then it can shape how we project ourselves unto the world.
Modernity has changed the paradigms of how we live, how we think and even how we deal with our emotions. The self-care movement taught us to love ourselves, to celebrate our quirkiness and to even take charge of our worth as beautiful individuals. The self-care industry is a trailblazer not only for social and mental reasons but for the economic surge of its commercial growth.
The self-proclaimed “individualists” love to pamper themselves with the latest craze and fads, in beauty, in fashion, in films and even how they treat themselves as Gods of their own bubbles deserving of love. But sometimes, how they define love is often in contrast with the unconditional love that reflects the divine purpose for each one of us.
I wonder how much money the self-care industry has generated over a couple of years. I have checked numerous apps on how to take care of ourselves physically and mentally, but I got curious about how to take care of our “emotional” core and sustain it to a healthy and flourishing nature.
Does self-care, taunted as the next platform to reach a holistic relationship within oneself and with others really have the weight to sustain an inner peace? Does it really bring light to our existence as individuals? Does it really answer that “mysterious hole” of existence within us?
These are the questions that lead me to a rather nagging curiosity.
How does one navigate through the invisible toxicities of self-hatred that permeates the mind?
Self-denigrating thoughts are often unkind, unforgiving and at times harsh and embarrassing to even share. And yet, some would practice these thoughts in a think aloud way. Social media nowadays has become the avenue for self-looting, a kind of hate wagon for not keeping up with the standards of society. This is a basic form of anger which permeates the Generation Z. There is too much projected self-hatred until it leads you into a lifestyle of constant bickering.
Perhaps someone has provoked you to the hilt your temper breaks forth or maybe someone has gone beyond your patience and offended you.
Anger is a normal emotion, there’s nothing strange to it. Each person has its unique way of dealing with anger. In fact, we cannot judge a person on how he recovers from a fit of rage. But that’s not a way to disregard how “anger” can be abusive in many ways. Anger has a way of festering itself to the person who holds on to it. Anger is toxic, and if we’re not aware of it, we might create a bandwagon of hate.
I remember the vivid and chilling poem verses of William Blake’s A Poison Tree.
“I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I waterd it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears:
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.”
It’s scheming and evil to cling to anger, and to water it day and night until it consumes the person to take a personal vendetta against someone he harbors ill feelings too. That path is often the easiest. Because it’s easy to get angry, it’s easy to lose your patience and it’s cool to get mad once in a while. Often, the road less traveled by is the most difficult one to take, to let go and forgive. To quench one’s anger that comes from irrational self-hatred is a difficult feeling to accept and navigate but nonetheless it opens you to the truth that forgiving your flaws is the first step to leading a peaceful life.
How do you take care of yourself when you are on a personal quest towards managing your anger?
Anger is only an emotion and YOU are more than your emotions. But the self-care industry, especially in the self-help niche has generated hundreds of engaging actionable “do this” which has yet shown imperative results that can prove how a person should deal with this “distressing emotion”.
Why do people hold on to anger, to its blistering and notorious hell-hound feeling? Why do some of us “binge” on the rewards of getting even?
How does self-care teach the value of “letting go, living light by forgiving”? Or perhaps I am just dreaming of a Utopian life?
How do we forgive? Are there concrete steps to do it? Some people are very forgiving, and most of us would complain that forgiveness is often being abused by the perpetrators, as if by chance, every time you forgive, you become the victim of the story because you condone the sin.
Relations experts would tell us that forgiving itself is an act of loving oneself. It’s letting go of the devastating ripple effects of holding on to the grudge instead of living a life with overwhelming thoughts of why the “act” happened and why you didn’t deserve the pain.
Forgiving is giving yourself the chance to be happy again, to move forward with a mindset of growth rather than being paralyzed in the disillusionment of pain. That instead of being clutched by your emotions, you rise above it and take accountability for your life. That life itself is living in accordance with the light within you, and you can see that one’s you see beyond the thistles and thorns of emotional traumas.
Now, if it’s easy to forgive, perhaps many relationships remain intact and flourishing.
Forgiveness is a virtue, but it won’t become one until you consciously and intentionally practice it. Have you checked yourself on how you deal with forgiveness? Have you forgiven someone in the past? How about now? Are you holding a grudge on someone?
You notice the feelings of intense uneasiness when you hate someone, you simply don’t like their presence. At times, you wish for a karma to befall on them, as if karma operates in that dimension.
With anger comes pride, and with pride we unreasonably give excuses why we should not care to forgive. The stress levels reach a stratospheric height because you think you have the power when you scale your anger against that person. But the opposite is true, the person you hated the most has power over you, and he can annoy you with just a snap of his finger.
Many of us aren’t fully aware of the devastating repercussions of the self-care industry if left unchecked, the overriding emotions of “individualism” instead of extending our forgiving hearts to others may have affected how we deal with our inner sanctum. We pollute not only our innate divine threshold but we also infiltrate the threshold of other people by venting out our emotions.
Anger is a mental and emotional garbage if it rents in your soul for a time. This garbage accumulates over time and affects your rational being. You succumb to the thinking of the blind appearance of peace.
But in reality, you cancel, and flatly cut out someone in your life without trying to repair the relationship by forgiveness. Yes, there’s some truth that “forgiveness” doesn’t mean rekindling a relationship or communication, but that is not true at all times.
You need to move forward, but it’s equally important that your healing comes from forgiving someone and also empathizing with them. There’s too much rage in this world because we run away confronting our inner lies and rage. Mass shootings, higher criminal rates in urban areas and even the surge of mental fatigue are among the domino effects of anger left unchecked.
The feelings of abandonment or rejection do not need an imposing culture of too much individualism. You need to sit down with it, and see through it. Whether you do it with a family, a friend, a mentor or a person you trusted the most.
Forgiveness comes from a nurturing environment knowing that we give enough space for each person to grow. Thereby, mistakes and misunderstanding comes from a place of love and acceptance. By loving yourself, you allow yourself to let go of the heavy yoke of anger.
An unforgiving heart carries heavy emotional and mental weight for a person. And for a phase in your life, you may find yourself having difficulty in forgiving a person but you triumph over the discomfort of not taking revenge.
Edgar Allan Poe’s The Cask of Amontillado reveals a moral teaching on how deadly an unforgiving heart is. The heart takes the deceitful lie, and it camouflages in your aggravated mind. Before you know it, you find yourself struggling against the odds to reclaim your dignity and power.
But in reality, real power lies in the genuine calmness of the heart to let go and forgive.
How does one project power and authentic love through forgiveness?
Forgiveness resonates with your intention to strain for emotional and mental hygiene and that is what is lacking through most self-care platforms. We need to see beyond physical beauty and start nurturing a healthy and safe place in our hearts where we cultivate a healthy emotional spectrum. We need to have a fasting and healthy diet of forgiving practices, and it starts by applying the principles of a grateful heart and being secured in your winning moments in which you have truly forgiven a person. That right there is power in itself.
Forgiveness always takes the higher road, the road that elevates your character. Culture often clashes with our values because the media portrays forgiveness as a commodity. Even saying “I’m sorry” and accepting our flaws denigrates us to an embarrassing place because some see it as a weakness, an admission of strange entanglement with imperfect virtue.
If we want to see a better world, it begins with healing ourselves from the emotional wrecks and shards of our past and holding to the beautiful promise that you have the power to change the world by cultivating a light and forgiving heart. That is exactly what it means to have an authentic love.
That true self-care is not a self-centered crusade, but you have the power to shape the culture of the next generation through the path of forgiveness. And if you find it hard to forgive someone, again make it a habit to be grateful for the daily things you have. Yes, the antidote of an unforgiving heart is to cultivate a grateful heart. How to do it? Keep a simple journal, and write at least five things which you are grateful for that day. No need to be fancy here. Another effective strategy and yet it’s often overlooked is praying.
Pray for the person, that is far more difficult than forgiving a person. But do it, pray for the well-being of that person. As time goes by, your perspective changes and you’ll feel how freeing it is to nurture kindness rather than wallowing in your pain.
Anger is not meant to stay, that experience gives you a valuable lesson and the emotional fortitude to the challenges of life.
The next time you feel the need to water your anger, hold your tongue and strain yourself away from the needy emotion. Listen to the stoics, anger is our enemy more than the thing which made us angry in the first place.
As we celebrate the Global Forgiveness Day, we are reminded of the joy that comes from a freeing soul. Let a light heart resonate with your daily commitment to grow and become a better person, take each bold step to move forward by unloading the baggage of the past and one way to do it is by forgiving. It’s not tangible but that’s how you project real power and authentic love.
You don’t need to see the road ahead, but a forgiving heart sees the light in the narrow path, and you will gain the greatest reward in this life- a calm and healthy soul.